Chronicles of Sarnia part 4: eight roommates
Keith: Keith used to leave pots of soup on the counter until they crusted over. He accused me of stealing his toilet paper and he felt left out when I went to a party and didn't invite him along. He wanted to punch the owner for turning off the Internet. He didn't like zealous religious types but stressed Jesus Christ is his saviour. One day I came home and Keith was gone, but he left me a letter. He also sent a letter from his lawyer telling the owner not to contact him.
Keenan: Keenan came in one day and introduced himself and I asked him to open a jar. That was last I ever saw Keenan, except for once outside the house with his Amazon bride to be. She was pretty, but he was prettier.
Bruce: Bruce was a 53-year-old construction worker from Newfoundland. He loved trailer park boys and every day asked me if I wanted anything cooked on the barbecue. He had a strong accent and showed me pictures of his grandkids. He told me the best way to kill a fish was to fold its tail over its head until it snaps.
The firefighter: Jason ate protein shakes and never wore a shirt. It took three guys to try to cover up a blemish on his forehead when they were going to a Halloween party, but it just ended up looking like a goose egg. He was always up when I'd get home from work at midnight and he'd tell me stories of how he got caught banging his chief's daughter or how he's spent thousands trying to get a job. He said smart girls scared the shit out of him.
Joel: Joel was a brilliant engineer from Owen Sound who'd get drunk and use the upstairs beds as trampolines. He'd passive aggressively move things in the house just slightly enough to drive the owner crazy, and I'd help. He'd sing loud to heavy metal music and make sarcastic comments during movies. He tried smoking a cigar once but coughed a lot. He never got hung over.
Habib: Habib is from Pakistan and was there when Bhutto got shot. He said it was so crazy he had to stay at his cousin's cause people were burning things in the street. Habib always wakes me up in the morning yelling that the taxi is here. He loves Heroes and used to like the O.C. He plans to go back to Pakistan when he graduates. Habib doesn't like the snow.
Sab (sp?): Sab is also from Pakistan but wants to stay in Canada. He loves politics and explained to me how Pakistani politics is really a feudal system and only landowners ever bother to vote. He's impressed with how Musharraf can lie but still come off likeable. He thinks he's pretty good at pool even though he only plays Habib. He doesn't like how the owner won't let him cook curry cause he can't stand the smell. He thinks Britney Spears' new boyfriend is ugly.
The owner: Jason is a 22-year-old but he wants to be 40. He put up tacky Christmas decorations and a Christmas tree with a blue-ornament theme. He threw out my scrubber cause he said I didn't wash dishes properly. He burns potpourri candles for hours until you can't breath. He never turns the heat up. He wanted to febreeze his dog, but his girlfriend wouldn't let him. He has a music room with an electric guitar he doesn't know how to play and posters of bands he doesn't listen to. He hangs paintings diagonally because he thinks it's artsy and has giant photos of himself as a kid in the hallway. He named his dog Harley after his motorcycle. I always scrunch the t-towels to the side of the stove rack cause I know he'll always have to straighten them back up in the middle.
Keenan: Keenan came in one day and introduced himself and I asked him to open a jar. That was last I ever saw Keenan, except for once outside the house with his Amazon bride to be. She was pretty, but he was prettier.
Bruce: Bruce was a 53-year-old construction worker from Newfoundland. He loved trailer park boys and every day asked me if I wanted anything cooked on the barbecue. He had a strong accent and showed me pictures of his grandkids. He told me the best way to kill a fish was to fold its tail over its head until it snaps.
The firefighter: Jason ate protein shakes and never wore a shirt. It took three guys to try to cover up a blemish on his forehead when they were going to a Halloween party, but it just ended up looking like a goose egg. He was always up when I'd get home from work at midnight and he'd tell me stories of how he got caught banging his chief's daughter or how he's spent thousands trying to get a job. He said smart girls scared the shit out of him.
Joel: Joel was a brilliant engineer from Owen Sound who'd get drunk and use the upstairs beds as trampolines. He'd passive aggressively move things in the house just slightly enough to drive the owner crazy, and I'd help. He'd sing loud to heavy metal music and make sarcastic comments during movies. He tried smoking a cigar once but coughed a lot. He never got hung over.
Habib: Habib is from Pakistan and was there when Bhutto got shot. He said it was so crazy he had to stay at his cousin's cause people were burning things in the street. Habib always wakes me up in the morning yelling that the taxi is here. He loves Heroes and used to like the O.C. He plans to go back to Pakistan when he graduates. Habib doesn't like the snow.
Sab (sp?): Sab is also from Pakistan but wants to stay in Canada. He loves politics and explained to me how Pakistani politics is really a feudal system and only landowners ever bother to vote. He's impressed with how Musharraf can lie but still come off likeable. He thinks he's pretty good at pool even though he only plays Habib. He doesn't like how the owner won't let him cook curry cause he can't stand the smell. He thinks Britney Spears' new boyfriend is ugly.
The owner: Jason is a 22-year-old but he wants to be 40. He put up tacky Christmas decorations and a Christmas tree with a blue-ornament theme. He threw out my scrubber cause he said I didn't wash dishes properly. He burns potpourri candles for hours until you can't breath. He never turns the heat up. He wanted to febreeze his dog, but his girlfriend wouldn't let him. He has a music room with an electric guitar he doesn't know how to play and posters of bands he doesn't listen to. He hangs paintings diagonally because he thinks it's artsy and has giant photos of himself as a kid in the hallway. He named his dog Harley after his motorcycle. I always scrunch the t-towels to the side of the stove rack cause I know he'll always have to straighten them back up in the middle.
posted by Am at 1:20 PM
1 Comments:
Hilarious post. Nicely done.
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